Bitter Sweet & Anti-Valentine Poems

To begin, one of Patrick Winstanley's practical valentine's poems, which can be use to ward off unwelcome Valentine's Day advances. This is a variant on traditional Roses are red poems and can be used, preemptively if necessary, as a gentle rebuff to those offering unsolicited valentines gifts.

Roses Aren't

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm allergic
Atchoo, Atchoo

Valentines Day isn't an occasion of unalloyed joy, as many people find that suitable admirers are rather thin on the ground. Or perhaps that should read that unsuitable admirers are rather fat on the ground.

Single Minded

A single red rose,
A glass of champagne,
Ready meal for one,
It's that day again.

Even if you think you're found the perfect valentine, you may find that the path of true love is long, tortuous and extraordinarily painful...

Beware The Pricks

Take a porcupine
As your valentine,
Initial elation
May end in deflation.

If that reflects your somewhat jaundiced view of valentine romance, remember the solace that can be found in chocolate   ...which is both an aphrodisiac and a euphoriant.

Passion Spent

The Roses are eaten,
The Milk Tray consumed,
My appetite's sated,
But my weight's ballooned.

For some though, valentine's day brings back truly horrific memories, as expressed in this variation on the Roses are red theme.

Lost Love

The roses are dead,
The violets have wilted,
We were to be wed,
But now I've been jilted.

To conclude, a funny anti-valentines poem which has a distinct whiff of feminism about it. I'm not sure whether men are allowed to write feminist poems, but in these days of political correctness, sexual equality and universal female emancipation, I'm not sure of very much at all. However, the poem's sentiments are, I assure you, genuine and heartfelt.

Saint or Sinner

Is Saint Valentine
The saint of lost causes,
Romantic gestures,
Embarrassing pauses?

Or is he the saint
Of sinister stalkers,
Whose valentines cards
Bear single entendres?

Seduction, stalking,
They're two sides of a coin.
The proper riposte,
A swift knee to the groin.

All poems copyright © Patrick Winstanley

More Funny Valentines Poems

Short Funny Valentines Poems ! Funny Valentines Poems | Twisted Funny Valentines Poems

Romantic Valentine Poems

Or for the traditionalists, a selection of Paul's valentine poems encompassing love, lust and loss.