Funny Love Poems 2
From sexually transmitted diseases to sexually induced distractions, Paul's second collection of funny love poetry ranges widely in both subject matter and tone.
North South Divide
Readers may take issue with the premise that the glaswegian accent is entirely impenetrable, but a least the same accusation cannot be laid at the accent owner's door.
The Dawn Of Understanding
Dawn was a Glaswegian lassie
With the broadest accent
Which made it difficult when she spoke
To understand what was meant
This was exacerbated
By a lisp and a stutter
And because she didn’t open her mouth very wide
She had a tendency to mutter
As a result I couldn’t understand her
Apart from when she said yes or no
But despite all of that
We went out for three months or so
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The Wasp Swallower
An elegant lady makes a grand entrance and then scans the occupants of the room with haughty disdain. So what is the best reaction to an encounter with a stuck-up cow?
Scanning The Room
A rather tall, elegant woman
Entered the room
And made a quick appraisal
Of those in her presence
The look she gave my way
Needed no vocalization
She had no need to say “ugh”
The look made redundant
Any need of an exclamation of disgust
The haughty expression
And the inclination of her head,
The involuntary sneer
Spoke volumes as to her disposition
Which was fine by me
Because I liked the look of her mate
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Trading Up?
A straight funny poem which revolves around a fairly obvious, but no less amusing, pun.
Car Scrap-Age
I’m very disappointed with the government
And their much heralded car scrap-age scheme
I took my “old banger” along with me to the garage
But my wife wasn’t what they had in mind it seems
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The Quest
It reads as though it might be a traditional 'coming of age' poem from the middle ages, but it's actually fresh from the pen of our resident poet, Paul Curtis.
Wench Hunt
A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow
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Mismatched
A funny poem about a mismatched putative relationship.
Aiming Too High
I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower
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Dirty Linen
An admirer has a burning question to ask the one he admires, plus a follow up question which threatens to be much more revealing.
A Question Of Courtship
I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught
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Undressed to Kill
The protagonist suffers from a loathing of the advice doled out by the fashionistas, until he experiences an epiphany.
Fashion Police
After years of fret and worry
About what I should be wearing
And the pressures of looking good
I have decided there’s no point in caring
All the advice from fashion gurus
Do wear this don’t wear that
Choosing clothes which flatter
Avoid things that make me look fat
After all the fashion tips I’ve had
I’ve decided that enough is enough
I’ve realized it’s not what you wear
But rather it’s how you take it off
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A Disconcerting Spectacle
A poem about breastfeeding in public, which seems to be heading in a predictable direction before veering off towards an unlikely conclusion.
Keeping Abreast
There’s nothing quite so disconcerting
When you’re with a girl in a cafe flirting
Than for a mother and child to occupy
Your table and you hear the baby cry
As if the wailing is not enough to bear
Mother flops a breast out right there
Babies cry replaced by a sucking sound
Causing diners heads to turn around
When she stops and removes the sprog
We are at first relieved and then agog
Her breast, round and smooth like silk
Is still out the red nipple dripping milk
After the baby had been winded a bit
She then attached it to her other tit
The young girl I was chatting up and I
Could not get away though we did try
This was repeated one or twice more
Before we could escape to the door
We were trapped inside our cubicle
And forced to watch this spectacle
Despite what we’d been forced to see
The girl agreed to go out with me
Our relationship was at its inception
We remembered to use contraception
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