Funny Wedding Poems
A series of funny poems about engagements, weddings and marriages, with the occasional divorce to boot. The early poems in the series rejoice in the romance of marriage, but the tone changes mid-series and the later poems become darker and more cynical. There are a smattering of sexual references, but there's a whole section devoted to funny sex poems still to come.
Quite a number of people will have arrived here looking for funny wedding poems, suitable for livening up an otherwise dull best man's speech. On the Roof is a funny wedding poem, but no guarantee is offered as to its 'suitability for purpose'.
On the Roof
Two lonely aerials meet on a roof and start to date
Very soon they fall in love so it must have been fate
They name the day as their love has proved resilient
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
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A bit of a cheat, in that it's the setting rather than the subject of the poem that is a wedding. That said, it's a gloriously insightful poem about marriage or other long term relationships of marital equivalence.
Emotional Wedding
I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”
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A marriage which appears to be on the rocks could perhaps be salvaged, but only with the right approach.
Looking For A New Start
My wife and I were
Looking for a new start
So I bought a Waterbed
To rekindle loves spark
Something fresh and exciting
But we just drifted apart
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I'm quite in favour of anachronistic institutions like marriage, but I must confess I was taken by this short poem which is cynical and saccharine in equal measure.
The Gift That Just Keeps Giving
Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake
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A cute little poem about an interspecies marriage and its consequences.
A Marriage Made in Heaven
Mr. Camel and Miss. Dromedary were married
And in time a baby was due.
Said Mrs. Camel to her beloved
'Would you prefer one hump or two?'
A short humorous poem about the changes that marriage brings to the dynamics of a relationship...
I Wanna Hold Her Hand
When a man, before the wedding day
Holds on to the woman’s hand, they say
It’s a certain sign of a love intense
After marriage it’s just self-defence
…and a companion piece about how men treat their most treasured possessions.
Marriage Observation
When a man opens the car door
For his wife,
You can be sure of one thing
In this life
Either it’s a new car
Or a new wife
A poem which sounds like it's the translation of a traditional Eastern European folk saying, yet is hilariously funny - for women at least.
Marriage Views
Men will say of matrimony
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”
While women say of marriage
“Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage”
Love, Marriage, Sex and Death... It's all foretold in the cards.
A Hand In Marriage
A humble pack of playing cards
Conceals a secret meaning
Where the suits at least warn
Of a chilling outcome of marrying
First a Heart for him to love you
Next a Diamond to marry them
Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him
And finally a Spade to bury them
An inalienable truth about tensions in relationships is encapsulated in a short humorous poem.
Argumentative
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument.
A husband discovers after his marriage that his wife's approach to saving money is rather one sided.
Small Beer
When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife
She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over
I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me
I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door
A humorous poem about pre-marital sex. No more, no less!
Not Being Previous
For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex ‘per se’
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day
An amusing poem about a young man pothering over asking his beloved for her hand in marriage. I must confess I was unfamiliar with the word pothering, but it means a state of dithering anxiety.
Pothering
He was in such a pother
Such was the lot of the suitor
For he was to ask for his lady’s hand
Well that was what he had planned
But he was in such a nervous state
He couldn’t get his head straight
He was sure she would be receptive
But signs can be deceptive
So he resolved to do what was planned
And ask for his lady’s hand
Although to be perfectly fair
He was more interested in the rest of her
A slightly silly poem about two brooms and a shotgun wedding. It would be nonsense verse, except it has a slightly murky moral undercurrent.
A New Broom
Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of generous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her
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