A further selection of Paul Curtis' funny poems about sex, sexual attraction and sexual repulsion. There is plenty here to offend the easily offended, so please approach the poems with an open mind or retreat to the comparative safety of the funny love poems.
If women are so clever, why can't they... Yes, it's that sort of poem and best skipped by feminists.
Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
A funny sex poem that appears superficially quite innocuous, but has a darker side. It would be tempting to describe it a a simile poem, which indeed it is, and see if some poor innocent could be persuaded to read it out in class. Or would that be too cruel?
A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house
The poem's protagonist is dying to know whether a certain young lady has matching collar and cuffs, or has been doing a bit of dyeing herself.
Hey there blondie I really like your hair
But I bet that it’s a different shade down there
I bet you don’t have any white blonde thatch
Your collar and cuffs certainly won’t match
Or maybe a mismatch really isn’t anticipated
Possibly you have already defoliated
I don’t mind you with or without down below
I’m am an easy to please kind of fellow
And if you’re a bottle blonde I don’t care
Or if there is a mismatch with body hair
Any way it comes that’s my simple philosophy
And besides it’s not something I’m likely to see
A sexually explicit poem which is funny, but not in the least sexually stimulating.
Come on darling
Lets play hide the sausage
Let’s not hesitate
Come on darling hear my plea
Come on lets have a shag
You can choose which way
Monkey on a stick, reverse cowboy
Missionary or doggy fashion
Something new maybe
Like splitting the cicada
We can play with sex toys
I’ll insert ticklers up your vaginal canal
Or you can bite the pillow
For some penetration anal
If you don’t want a shag
A hand job or a tit-wank will do
Or please take it in the scull
I promise not to come in your face
When I tip my barrow
But you may get a pearl necklace
When I lose my load
You can sit on my face
Give me a golden shower
Get your knickers off
And I’ll give you a nosh
Just get your kit off
I promise to make you quiver and shiver
And shudder and judder
But please please remember
A sixty year old man
Should never waste an erection
A funny poem about Denise, whose body has all the attractions of a fairground, with none of the stomach churning rides.
Denise was a strawberry blonde
Beautiful and bubbly
Tall and statuesque
Built for comfort
Gloriously curvaceous
Big soft and round
Amply proportioned
Everywhere that was important
Her body was like a rollercoaster
You could never tire of riding
More exhilarating than a theme park ride
And more worthy of a queue
A breathtaking experience
A quivering delight
Of erotic pleasure
A compare and contrast poem about the differing approach taken by men and women when searching for a life partner, or a sex partner.
She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend
But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well
A jolly romp of a poem with has a twist in its tail.
Jo the trumpet
The musical strumpet
She was crumpet
But her lips were hard and dry
Jo with the deep voice
Oh how I rejoice
She was so very choice
With no Adams apple I’m pleased to say
Jo with the flat chest
Had nothing inside her vest
But I was still blessed
For she had other attributes
Jo with the all over tan
Jo jo the can can
The perfect gift for man
Had a beautiful white toothed smile
Jo the pretty faced
With the narrow waist
Was to everyone’s taste
Even the other Jo’s
A long humorous sex poems which explodes one of the enduring myths about dull looking women.
There is much more to a woman
Than what she can put on show
There is more in the emporium
Than there is in the shop window
Like an expensive Champagne
That a Lambrusco will out fizzle
A woman displaying all her assets
Is invariably all sausage and no sizzle
It’s the homely types that most excite
Hiding their figure neath frumpy dress
Shy and modest to the outside world
It’s the quiet ones who most impress
Beneath sober dress they burn hottest
Much hotter than the most brazen vamp
And when you get them alone they turn
From prim librarian into wanton tramp
A deliciously funny poem about goings on above a patisserie.
The upstairs flat has been sublet
Above our local patisserie
To an attractive young woman
Who wears exotic lingerie
Her pursuits are in nature erotic
OK she’s a prostitute I will admit
But there are advantages to this
As you can eat your cake and have it
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