Twisted Funny Valentine Poems

A selection of short valentines poems which are essentially funny, but which have a darker side or a twist in the tail. Sinister, vengeful, dirty and sex obsessed are just a few of the epithets that could be applied to the poems; romantic they are most certainly not.

Stuck on You

You were so distant
Now we're as one
Thanks to some duct tape
And a glue gun

Pained as I am to have to explain anything about my poems, those who have not recently appeared on sexual assault charges may need reminding that GHB, aka Gamma-hydroxybutyrate or Rohypnol, was the once notorious date rape drug.

GHB Mine

A Valentine
Says please be mine
But Rohypnol
Is more forceful

Next, a pair of Paul's poems to rebuff which, whilst not specifically written for Valentines Day, would certainly come in useful to repel unwelcome valentines advances.

Put Down # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

Put Down # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips"

The final valentines poem is a rather strong rebuke which can be employed if a former lover uses Valentine's Day as an unwelcome excuse to try to rekindle the best forgotten love affair.

Life is for...

Life if for living
Love is for giving
You gave me herpes
Is love forgiving?
Is it f#ck

Please feel free to substitute herpes with syphilis, chlamydia or another type of STD, if it is more appropriate. And who says the romance of Valentine's Day is dead?

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Valentine Love Poems

A selection of romantic valentine poems, which includes sad, sentimental and sensuous verse.